Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, 'Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile banner.'

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.