SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "