Huck Funny Status Messages

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.

   Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   Does anyone really believe Bobby Brown even knew what a prerogative was?

   Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through a Capri Sun