Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Instead of calling it a "Gatorade Shower" we should call it "Electrolyte Bukkake"

   My superpower is turning tequila into tears.

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   I need a pity pity bang bang

   Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   the ring of a home phone is becoming the whistle of a steam train+

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!