Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike?