snotty Funny Status Messages

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   I'm beginning to think the Romans were lucky,,,,, At least Nero could play an instrument. .

   In order to reconnect with my conspiracy theory family, ,, I've joined 20 "flat-earth" groups on Facebook

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   From a purely ironical perspective,,, He's going to actually walk onto 5th Ave and shoot somebody before this actually ends,,, right?

   I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..

   Steve Miller.. "Some call me the gangster of love"..... Steve Miller`so band... "Ummm, yeah,,, Nobody calls him that"....

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock