snotty Funny Status Messages

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn't get an answer to the question you didn't hear her ask from upstairs

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   well,, of course Sea Salt is better than regular salt cuz,, you know, ,,,, fish poop