Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.