Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.