life Funny Status Messages

   Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   LIfe is simple. Be yourself. Find something you would die for. Be loyal to those who deserve it and tell the rest to go f*ck themselves.

   You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....

   I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   Sundays: Kinda wanna workout, kinda wanna eat loaded cheese fries, kinda wanna nap for five days, kinda wanna get my life together by 2:39 pm on Thursday.

   My life goal is to buy white jeans and spill grape juice on them.