Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"