SEAN Funny Status Messages

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   If the world was really going to end wouldn't all the expiration dates be set for December 23rd or whatever day it is.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.