LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   ..because Chinese New Year and Valentines Day fall on the same day this year,i think i'll celebrate both with a takeaway! How romantic. Lol.

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   Sign in Bar: "Low-cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   I dont care what they say. I think my third nipple is very attractive.

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   ..after watching the Brit Awards,thinks that Cheryl has got to try,try,try,try,try to lip sync a bit better..

   Yo mamma so fat that when she lays on the beach, Green Peace try to push her back into the water.

   I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.