Baddie Funny Status Messages

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.