snotty Funny Status Messages

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   Well, One place that HASN'T recovered from the financial recession is Atlantis,,, I came back from a visit last week and sadly,, most every house I saw ,,,, Still entirely underwater

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...