snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   You want to get the PERFECT body, it's easy... 😮 Walk up hill, a lot.. & only eat meat. 👍........ *Sponsored by Ed's hillwalking & meats Ltd

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.