snotty Funny Status Messages

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   Evel Kneivel: Jumps over 45 old school busses... Good Kneivel: Fixes the busses and makes sure every kid gets a good education

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   FYI: if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row,, that's called a "McTurbo"... and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.