Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.