Huck Funny Status Messages

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.