Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   another olympics, another stern letter to Australians reminding them kangaroos aren't athletes.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'