bego Funny Status Messages

   Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

   I think I'm gonna start giving ugly girls the phone numbers of guys I hate.

   Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but it’s more difficult to regret.

   The Big Mac doesn’t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.

   Crying doesnt indicate that youre weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that youre alive.

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”

   If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people work out and absorb the benefits for myself.

   When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!

   My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

   Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.

   If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   Most girls will spend Valentine's day alone because their boyfriends will be with their wives

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing