bego Funny Status Messages

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form

   The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.

   Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

   Guys, hear me out on this one.. A zombie outbreak could be prevented altogether if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together. Boom, you’re welcome.

   Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.

   Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorced. He spend 27 years in south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday for 27 years straight. He got out of jail, was 6 months with wife, and said "i cant take this s#it"

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.