BEGO Funny Status Messages

   A 15 year-old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

   Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.

   Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."

   The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?

   You say “YOLO”, I say “YADA”. You’re A Dumb As%.

   5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.

   That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

   Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

   Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

   X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   I give up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as FREE FOOD.

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck