Huck Funny Status Messages

   This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.

   My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.

   And Eli Manning smiles quietly to himself. Knowing he will be the Manning with the most Super Bowl wins

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.