bego Funny Status Messages

   How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of back in 70 Years..

   If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business..

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..

   I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole.

   Why talk when you can type?

   One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes.

   I turn down my radio to park my car.

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.

   What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

   Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Life's too short to go to bed early

   If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that

   If you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you