bego Funny Status Messages

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   If I catch my Daughter making a Twerk video with her Leapfrog video camera, imma Beat my DNA out of her!

   People say weed smokers are lazy. Well guess what as*holes, the blunt doesn't pass it self. And it sure isn't rolling it self.

   Every weekend I participate in a liquid cleanse diet... with beer.

   It's Friday for me and Monday for my liver.

   I just burned 600 Calories working out to these Insanity Commercials.. I don't even need to buy the DVD's.

   By "lol" I mean I don't give a fu&k.

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing

   Who invented hugs? I mean..the first hug would have been soo awkward. its like"what are you doin, why are you holding me???" "shhh just trust me"

   When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

   The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   Whoever said “he’s only a dog” obviously never owned a dog.

   Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.

   How are girls hard to understand? We like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, disney movies, yoga pants,and shopping

   "Everyone’s middle name should be, motherfu%kin ...try it doesnt it sound so great"