SEAN Funny Status Messages

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.

   There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.

   Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.