Huck Funny Status Messages

   The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Alright, stop. Collaborate and drop and listen and roll. Ice is back with a confusing new fire safety video.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   I wonder if when Ice Cube was in NWA he thought one day he'd play a cop in light hearted comedy

   FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. You know that now." - Buddhist GPS

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   My dog acts like every leaf blowing in the wind outside our door is going to murder his entire family. It's like, grow up

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.