Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I wish the dollar store sold sex.

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.

   I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

   I once challenged Vanilla Ice to a Rap challenge and the loser had to be Vanilla Ice.

   My woman calls me the UPS man, cause I deliver that package right on time. Or it could be because I wear ugly brown shorts.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.