bego Funny Status Messages

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”

   The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

   Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.

   Nowadays people feel they need to identify with others before they can even identify with themselves.

   At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.

   Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%

   I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.