Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   As I got older, I thought my attitiude was starting to mellow out. Come to find out that the reason was I just didn't give a f*ck anymore!

   ................................................................U know when guys pee and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ..............................................That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   My Mom texted me, "What does IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?" I answered, "I don't know, love you, and talk to you later." She said, "Ok I'll ask your sisters."

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?