Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."