snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Gary Busey just kind of nonchalantly eating a tennis ball as a car salesman finishes up the paperwork... He thinks he's buying a hat.

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.