Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!