jake Funny Status Messages

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.