SEAN Funny Status Messages

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.