Huck Funny Status Messages

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   Long story short, I love summaries

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all, he's still dead

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

   I'm doing laundry for the whole family. (Not my family - I'm at my neighbors. They're going to be very surprised.)

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.