Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.

   We're all adults here, you can say "p0rn" instead of "late night commercial"

   Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?

   I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz thats the exact moment my life got fuçked up!

   My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!

   My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   It's very dangerous to tweet and drive; you may end up with TYPOS!