Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   Fun thing to do. Location: Shopping Mall. Items needed: Old Atari Controller and a friend as cool as you are. Stick the cord down the back of your friends pants and pretend to steer him/her around the mall with the joystick. DO IT!!!

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.