Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!