Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.

   I want my tombstone to read: Keep In Touch.

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like sh!t.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   I am the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   I just got a good deal on a hamster from a puppy mill...he's really cool, he doesn't even need a wheel because he has no feet...yeah I like to just move him around the cage every few hours :)

   We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.

   "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" Umm... was it so I could answer your damn riddles? Officer, you know perfectly well what I did. Let's get this done so I can get back to being late for work.

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..