Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

   Someone should help Rihanna. She likes rude boys, loves being lied to, thinks she's the only girl in the world & has forgotten her name

   Every good friend once was a stranger.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   I'm confused at why people need to be told how to lose weight. Is it really that confusing?? Quit shoving so much food down your throat....the end!!!

   Words of Wisdom: "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"

   I hate when people put every detail of everything they do on here! I don't want to know about what you are doing at every moment, be right back I have to poop!

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   The cops found a missing person with nappy hair, crusty feet, doo-doo stained undies, holding a Happy Meal bag. I'm worried SICK... are you okay?

   Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will.

   If I haven't seen you naked enter your name below so we can sort this problem out :P

   Notice: Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noticing this notice has been noticed.

   bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)