Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   U know you mexican when you wrap christmas presents with a knife instead of scissors.lol

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone says something stupid to me.

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet

   Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, " no, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"