Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.