Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just been cast as the main villian in The Dark Knight Rises.

   The government should stop putting warning labels on things...triggering the beginning of Darwinism of stupid ppl!

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   has made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   We are seeing some hard times. Even Santa's feeling the pinch, I hear he's down to just one Ho!

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine

   Note to self condoms are NOT Machine Washable

   Watching the Biggest Loser Finale. Hate it when they jump up and down after the results. Holy chicken wings...yuck!

   (comment is abusive and offensive and has been removed by Facebook)

   Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good, but nothing ever changes.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Sweet and sour chicken; how can it be both? Come on...let's get real, China.

   it's a status....not your diary...

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die

   Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But...Tequila decides who touches your body

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me ;-)