Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   When you think about your dreams and goals, instead of asking yourself what's stopping you, figure out what's starting you.

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole

   A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists ? :p

   my mum thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your uncle just died. LOL."

   I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself.

   that was a sweet lifeguard job till the stupid blue kid got me fired.

   Just took a duce so big and hard I think it was my first gay experience

   still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.