jdpower Funny Status Messages

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow..

   Dated a blind girl once, her name was .::. ::.:. ..:.:. :.:..::. ..:::.

   I've gotta come clean... that's why I jack-off with Purell

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Casey Anthony is still a MILF.. The 'M' just stands for Murderer.

   A life vest - protects you from drowning. A bullet proof vest - protects from bullets. A sweater vest - protects you from dating.

   No one will be making fun of Chaz Bono, when Nancy Grace has a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars and her Johnson pops out.

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   "Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   Study: 50% of Jumbotron Marriage Proposals.. End in Jumbotron Divorce.

   Obama checks Declaration of Independence.. fails to find National Treasure map on back.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   My pen!s ejects bronzer if any of you ladies need a spray tan

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..