SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

   Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.

   I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch

   Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.