Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."

   I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.

   Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   My pleasant personality is brought to you this morning by several strong cups of coffee.

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   Happy ATMs day!!

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.