lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standard

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

   wants money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   .. lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?